I’m laying here in my bed in pain again.
It doesn’t matter what the source of the pain, or the reason for the pain. The pain is chronic and almost to the “intractable” stage now. I take pain killers almost daily, some days twice daily. Tonight my husband is out with friends. This is at my insistence because why should we both stay home and miss out on “life” when one of us who is still vital so full of life and health.
So tonight I’m wondering … dear God … is this it for me? Is this the best my life will be now. Is my life as I knew it over? Will I ever fulfill any dreams again. I can’t hide my feelings from you God, you know my frame, my thoughts are not hidden from you. I’m scared. I’m lonely, I’m hurting and I feel like no one understands. I know of course, that these are feelings, and that feeling “are never wrong” and they often pass, but I need you tonight LORD. I won’t ask you why? I know that everything you do is for my good and you do everything perfectly, so it would make me feel like I was turning my back on you to begin to ask why, somehow implying that you make mistakes or are somehow punishing me. No I won’t allow myself to do that, but I just wish I knew what .. what is it that you are doing and where is it that you’re taking me? It is just so perplexing Father God.
I do trust you LORD, but sometimes trusting hurts. But then again, they hurt you on the cross didn’t they?