First Published 2.20.13
Revised 8.4.13
Why is this happening to me, God?
Without the tearing down of twigs,
there would be no building of nests. ‘Jane Grayshon’
One night (out of many), I was lying in bed in severe pain. It was about 2:00 a.m, and like every normal human, I was wondering why this was all happening to me. The word “pain” kept spinning around in my head, so I looked up synonyms for that word. One of the synonyms was the word tenderness. Suddenly, it was as if someone was whispering in my ear. I did not hear any voice, but if there was a voice, it was the “still small voice of God”, and the following is what I heard in my spirit.
“Angela, you’re asking WHY, but perhaps you should rather seek WHAT I am doing and leave the WHY to me. I’m beginning the process of forming tenderness in you. It will take a while, and it will continue to hurt. It will feel at times as if your flesh is being torn, but I must do this work in you”. That’s when it hit me that God himself was in the room with me, and I began to have the sense that God was doing a deeper work in my life than I could fathom. And so I recognize this as my very own “Tender Journey”.
It is now more than four months since that evening, and what God is doing is beginning to come into focus. I have come to that awareness largely because of a book that I read very early on when this affliction began, and so I now will echo portions of Jane Grayshon’s words in her book “A Harvest From Pain.” Jane writes mostly about her emotions and how she copes with severe pain. Here are some of her thoughts, which I must say have been many of my own. Like Jane, I wondered if my writing was merely a pitiful attempt to drag some worth out of my suffering, a form of therapy for me to cope. No … I believe, as Jane finally came to believe, that sharing the truth about pain is essential to dealing with its realities.
Here then, highlighted in RED and excerpted from Jane’s book, are Jane’s thoughts on her struggle with wondering if her writing was her own pitiful attempt at making some sense out of suffering:
“God allows a gradual transformation”. His yeast is at work: His Holy Spirit, which suffuses me with His life, warming my coldness toward Him, lifting my heaviness. And now I see that the stone is not something hard that a hard God holds out to me. The stone is in me. And God is a vulnerable God. And I only ever glimpse God’s own pain.
I feel freed to a new sense of joy. It is a solemn joy. The question is asked, “Do you believe in the goodness of God?” and knowing that no matter what, I do. It is neither my success nor my fruitfulness which are important in my life, but union with God. That is what he made me for. This morning, I see that to come close to His heart is to encounter pain. My heart is beating more closely to His own pulse. For without the tearing down of twigs, there would be no building of nests.”
So … Why am I sharing all of this? Well, because someone shared the deep (and even private) things of their own heart and life not only with me but with the world. It has helped me make sense out of all this 
suffering. I understand now that God loves me perfectly, and He loves me higher and better than I can ever comprehend this side of Heaven. He MUST conform me to the image of his son. One way God affects sanctification is through suffering. After all, His one and only Son suffered and died on the cross for my sin and the sin of the world. Therefore, this is my humble attempt to share that understanding with others. Yes, we’ve heard it over and over again that Satan is no respecter of persons. He will lie, deceive, and try to devour every one of God’s children. He will try to deceive us, as he tried to deceive Eve into thinking that God does not have his best for us and that he is not good. We must be, as the scriptures teach, sober and vigilant because we have a mighty adversary. BUT we have a great, all-knowing, and all-powerful wise God. I trust him. I trust him in and out of trials … I will trust Him.
In matters such as chronic and severe pain that lasts for weeks/months/years and possibly a lifetime, I have found help in the wise counsel of others, and I hope that my writing will do the same, if only for one soul. That is why I share so openly.
8.4.13 – Update: I’m still battling with IC. It’s been almost 10 months now. WoW. Hoping it would be long gone by this time. The pain is not as severe but is more “chronic” or constant now. I’m reminded of Paul’s Thorn in the Flesh, talked about in scripture. It does keep me from doing everything I want to do, but thankfully, I can do everything I NEED to do.
God bless you. God is blessing me, for I truly am on a Journey of Joy.
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